Disclaimer: I have a strong sense that may I come across as a bit of a grinch/scrooge in this post or at least a totally ungrateful git at least :). Please let me assure you that I am immensely grateful for any gifts I receive and this is not a rant about getting “rubbish presents” but simply a discussion on the psychology and motives that we have for buying our loved ones gifts!
Have you ever received a Birthday or Christmas presentĀ that you don’t you really want? I’m sure you have. The queues at customer services on boxing day attest to this (so I hear anyway :)). It was my birthday last Thursday and it really got me thinking about this because, although I employed my gift systemĀ and asked for aĀ few bits and bobs I really “needed”, I was also thinking I would really like to ask everyone not to get me anything this year as none of it was particularly essential. However for one reason or another, the day crept up on me so I didn’t get time to inform everyone, butĀ ultimately I probablyĀ just wussied out on doing it. I did however go a fraction of the way by asking for no new clothes and for some second hand books, which threw up some interesting results. I guess itĀ turned out to be a mini experiment on the psychology of buying gifts. But anyway before we see theĀ results of that let’s have a quick look at…
A brief history of gift giving
Giving of gifts is so ingrained into our society because way back in the day, before money was even invented, this is how the economy worked. We know this because in small tribes of people discovered on tiny Pacific islands or in the Amazon rainforest a gift economy still reigns supreme. Joe the fisherman gives Bill the pottery maker some fish one day, this is mentally noted and at some point in the future Bill will make sure the debt is repaid by giving Joe a pot, some vegetables he has grown, or maybe his daughters hand in marriage, a fair swap in anyone’s book :). This worked well in small communities where everyone knows everyone else’s name*, but as soon as populations grew over a few hundred, a different accounting system was needed. Some cultures developed writing to keep track of things, while others such as the IncasĀ used other mnemonics, who used knots tied in small pieces of rope.**
*It was always a surprise to me to see people paying with cash rather than free psychiatry sessions or mail delivery services atĀ The “Cheers” BarĀ for this very reason.
**I am currently reading Guns, Germs and Steel which is why I’m coming across like I just ate anĀ EncyclopaediaĀ and am vommiting up the contents into this post. There isĀ some really interesting facts in this book though so I would highly recommend!
Why do we give gifts?
The legacy of that early gift economy is a strong one and it remains to this day as we clearly are all still nuts about buying each other gifts. In the modern World, we generally buy gifts on a special occasion to try to make someone feel happy, and more often than not because they have bought, or you know they will buy, a reciprocal gift to give to you at the appropriate time of year. However what if the thing that would make that person happy was something that you did not think would make a good gift, was unconventional for some reason (e.g. second hand), was a donation to charity, or even weirder, you asked them not to buy anything at all not to get a gift? These things are frowned upon and makeĀ people feel uncomfortable for several reasons:
- They areĀ unconventional
- The may goĀ against “tradition”
- The people know that you are going to give them something back so they’d feel bad not getting you something or giving you something they think is a poor gift (Only true unless you specifically tell them you are not going to get them something!)
- They don’t want to feel like a grinch or appear tight
- They think you are beingĀ a grinch (orĀ “a miserable git!”)
Experiment One: Don’t buy me X
I specifically asked for no new clothes this year as I have far too many already and guess what, I got a new shirt. This is not to appear ungrateful, I really did love the shirt (see last point of list above and disclaimer above). But it does beg the question, why did that person buy me that gift going against my specific wishes? Do they really think I don’t know my own mind enough to know what goods and services that I want? We’ve all bought a present that secretly we would have liked ourselves, and I know some people are hard to buy for (I think I may be one of those) but I think this really goes to show how deeply this trait of conforming to both tradition and to main stream society’s views on things go.
Everyone likes clothes therefore TFS must secretly like clothes and is just saying to not buy him any to appear… I don’t know… aloof, stoic… cool even?
I’ll be honest and say I can’t make many conclusions on this line of thinking apart from what I’ve already said: The power of tradition and of consumer culture is strong. Stronger in certain cases than our friends and loved ones specific opinions and wishes it would seem.
Experiment Two: Buying second hand gifts
This gift buyingĀ behaviour extends even further when it comesĀ down to buying second hand stuff. Apparently, second hand gifts are no good as gifts (unless they are of that type, antiques, maybe vinyl records, really old books, etc…). This is borne out by my experience with buying gifts myself, as I’ve never bought a Christmas or Birthday gift second hand from memory, although I don’t recall anyone actually asking me specifically for something to be secondhand either. I would like to think that if they did, I would respect their wishes.
As mentioned, I did actually ask specifically for a couple of items second hand (books) and instead I got brand spanking new ones. Similar conclusions can be drawn to experiment one, the mainstream view is that people would not like a secondhand present therefore I did not get one despite my explicit wishes that that was what I wanted. I’m not even sure where this view originally stemmed from but I get the feeling it would have been from advertising campaigns and more subtle messages in the media when new items started to become manufactured in large quantities, at the behest of the companies making such items of course. Consumer culture yet again trumps the views and opinions of the individual.
A losing battle?
Am I “fighting” a losing battle here? Are these notions too strong? Or maybe I just didn’t make my wishes clear enough?
There is a very good chance it is the latter, so at Christmas I am going to try again. As I mentioned at the start of the post the birthday crept up on me and so I was mentally unprepared and had no real strategy on how to approach anything and ended up just taking the easy route and asking for stuff. It’s hard for Christmas to creep up on you, so I will make sure I am more prepared next time, and I eagerly await the results of round 2 of this experiment! It is as much an experiment on my own resolve than on the outcomes of what I ask for because the thought of asking people to buy me nothing fills me with dread. I know that soundsĀ pretty pathetic but I know the reactions people will give me and I don’t want it to result in any arguments and resulting bad blood. Perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised, who knows! š
Have you got any experience or tips on “asking for nothing”? Ā What were the reactions you got and how did you phrase the initial proposal? What about second hand gifts, giving or receiving? Would loveĀ to hear some other views and stories as usual! š
Discussion (33) ¬
Hi TFS
If you can persuade just one or two of your friends and family to adopt your view regarding presents, then that’s your battle won – I’m not sure you could persuade many more without sounding like some fussy ungrateful git as you put it! With regards to the shirt, it just sounds like that person probably forgot. With the second hand books, I think you’ve hit the name on the head. I would get a similar response from my friends too, had I asked for something second hand. I know a couple of people at work who claim NEVER to go into charity shops so to ask this of those types of people could be a bit too much and it’s far easier for them to just buy the books new, regardless of your request.
It was my birthday last Friday (day after yours!) and I got mostly vouchers, which I’m happy with as this will be an opportunity for me to treat myself. However this year, two friends with whom I don’t normally exchange birthday presents unexpectedly bought me gifts – one of them had asked me what I’d wanted and I’d said ‘You don’t have to buy me anything’ and she got me a Ā£20 voucher! So I shall be reciprocating when it’s their birthdays as I don’t want to come across as an uncaring friend! You may argue that being a good friend isn’t all about buying gifts, but as you point out, it’s somewhat expected traditionally and gifts make people happy.
It’ll be interesting to hear how your experiment goes at Christmas!
Ah a fellow Gemini š
Yea I’d never not buy people presents if they’d bought me one, now that would be just plain tight and not frugal and definitely not cool!
Sorry, I meant “nail” on the head!
I have found the easiest way to get people to give me no gifts / secondhand gifts is to give them no gifts / secondhand gifts. I give kids secondhand gifts or hand me downs and I don’t hide it. I try to give adults no gifts but some people get offended so I still give them gifts. I think giving should be a year round activity, I.e. give people things when they need it, or I have something to give, not a pressurised activity where you have to give someone something on a particular day regardless of how little they need it/ how busy I am with other things…. Also I think the best kind of giving is to give help and nice experiences rather than objects. I have written a series of blog posts about giving here http://www.ecothriftyliving.com/2012/11/changing-future-of-gift-giving.html?m=1
Hi Zoe, I read a lot about your views on gift giving and your attempts of giving to people every day and I have to say I totally agree! Thanks for posting the link!
That’s interesting that some people get so offended you still buy them gifts, I can see that happening too (and am totally fine with it, each to their own view ay)
I feel exactly the same way FIREstarter – particularly at Christmas time, my in-laws have a pretty strong tradition of buying each other lots of stuff, and I’ve started getting hugely uncomfortable about the whole process, when I really, really don’t want anything (other than perhaps some money to invest? Or a round of golf on a work day?) but they just can’t help themselves (they are very generous and do seem to enjoy the process). And on the giving end, I much prefer sharing an experience with someone – taking them out for dinner, a trip to the city, or a game of golf or something.
I definitely don’t have the guts either to ask for nothing at Christmas, as I know it would never ever be accepted. I guess I’m fortunate that we have a very small family so it’s not a huge issue…
It’s a strange feeling isn’t it, being almost afraid to ask someone to basically not go out of their way and do you a favour/spend their money on you. People are generous and that is a very nice thing, but sometimes it is directed to the wrong areas I think.
Totally agree on the experiences thing, a round of gof on a work day sounds like a fantastic present š
I agree! No gifts, please!
My family/friends stopped gift giving for the most part, including not only Christmas but birthdays too.
If there are gifts, they are consumables & services the person ALREADY uses:
– wine/food/flowers when invited to dinner
– gift certificates to a person’s favourite services
But those instances are rare and it’s the rarity that truly makes them special and appreciated. Especially when they were unexpected, similar to the tribal gifting example you offered in your post.
That is a good system. The whole specialness of something is definitely increased the less frequent it is received, this reminds me of MMM’s post on the “King for a day” method.
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2012/06/28/king-for-just-one-day/
Hey TFS,
Nice post, and a very interesting topic!
I’m more in line with Zoe’s view above. I’m not comfortable with people feeling pressurised to buy me things. Weenie’s example is classic too, where someone buys you a gift voucher, and you feel inclined to buy one back. You ultimately both paid Ā£20 each for a voucher at a specific store. I think the questions is, are you both happy with that? If you are then continue to spend. If you’re like me and you don’t want to spend Ā£20 in Next or B&Q then I will ask people not to buy me items, and I will not buy them in return due to that. I’ll try and make that very clear before they do so too.
I have a great example from my brother…….2 years ago he asked me what I wanted for my Bday, nothing I could think of, “Money’s fine!” He gave me Ā£30. His birthday is exactly 2 weeks after mine. I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said “nothing, so Money’s fine”. So I gave him the money back. It’s completely pointless. We now have an agreement that we don’t buy each other presents and we’re both happy with that. To be honest we both look at it as though it’s one less thing to worry about.
Zoe above is so right, I would prefer to give an unexpected gift to a friend/family member or look after them all year around rather than feel pressured to spend money on people at a certain time of year. It’s very similar to Valentines Day, which I view as equally corporate and a general waste of money. I want to show Miss FFBF that I love her all year around.
What’s helped me more recently over the last couple of years is not caring what other people think, as it’s the most difficult issue to overcome. I really don’t care if people judge me now. I know I’m caring, loving and generous. I just don’t bow down to social pressure to prove it at a certain time of year.
It might sound a little tough, but like most things people just get used to it. I want to be judged on the other actions in my life, and if people decide to judge me solely on present buying then that’s down to them.
I think a ‘Present Making Christmas’ is a much more satisfying and rewarding concept than ‘crazy present buying’ too…..
Rant over……like I said……. Great Topic! š
Hi Huw,
Thanks for sharing the example with your brother, that is both amusing and shows how pointless it can be (sometimes) to do that sort of thing! I think the key point is both parties have to have the same line of thinking, although I do like your hardline attitude as well. I do love not caring what people think attitude as well, I am finding this is much easier to develop as one gets older.
Just saw the perfect post from The Minimalists after reading this blog post yesterday. Their idea? Give water as a gift (charity : water). Loved it.
That is a great idea, I’ll use this as a back up if people still want to give me a gift. Thanks for the link!
YES very good points! Luckily my family doesn’t really exchange much gifts…only for the kids. I honestly don’t want any gifts and I’m glad I don’t have to deal with the stress of exchanging gifts. The crazy thing is that my co-workers look at me like I’m a horrible person when I don’t buy an extravagant gift for my wife.
Ha ha, I remember the post on your site discussing such things. Your poor wife hey??!!! š
My friends and I all agreed to stop giving each other gifts years ago… probably b/c most of us realized that we already had everything we needed… It’s worked out well. Now, we just get together and enjoy each other’s company. A simple happy birthday or merry christmas phone call/text is all I need.
Yep that is all I care about nowadays, just seeing the people I love and spending some quality time with them. The rest of it is all just uneccessary bells and whistles
Last year, I tried asking for nothing for Christmas. Instead, since I didn’t create much of a list, people just got me stuff I have no use for. I really appreciate their thoughtfulness but I wasn’t joking about not wanting anything.
The worst part of all this is I feel they just like shopping. It’s not so much that they like giving gifts.
That is a good point Will, thanks for the comment! Some people do just like shopping and probably use it as an excuse to go out and buy some shit, even if it’s not for them. Hah!
You should read the book, the gift by lewis hyde, gift giving is one of the things that binds people within a society together. as a person who enjoys giving gifts, I felt rather hurt when requested not to give them by one friend. (I have a small gift-giving circle though, I guess I’d feel different if I was still giving to 15 college friends as well as a huge family)
to me gifts don’t need to expensive they just need a bit of thought put into them, the best response I’ve had to gifts this year have been homemade food (given to parents) and a remaindered book (given to best friend, was perfect for her).
anybody struggling with gifts should try an ‘only edible presents’ rule. this is great, particularly around christmas when there is lots of fancy food about which is certainly not essential but nice to have all the same.
Thanks for the suggestion Jenny, I will take a look!
I like the edible gifts suggestion as well.
I go down the ‘edible gifts’ route too – chocolates and alcohol are usually gratefully received!
Gift giving is one area where I am FAILING. I’d love to not receive anything and not give anything either, especially for made up holidays like father’s day, mother’s day, Valentine’s etc. Christmas is the hardest in that respect around here. I’m trying to shift from giving stuff to “experiences” but no one seems to be on board just yet. I wrote a post about giving my nephew Vanguard index fund shares as a graduation gift which I thought was a nice alternative to the usual stuff that he got from everyone else. He loved it, so maybe there is hope after all.
ISL I think I’ve said it before and I will say it again… I wish I had an Uncle like you! Awesome gift idea!!!!
Friends I don’t really worry about gifts with, we typically all just hang out and buy each other drinks, and that works for me. My girlfriend on the other hand doesn’t like to take no for an answer. I tell her that I don’t want to make a big deal out of my birthday and that “maybe I’ll hang out with some friends, it depends on how I feel that day”. She on the other hand thinks I need to have a huge party to celebrate where we rent a taco truck and she invites every single person in the world that I know.
That is the absolute opposite of what I want. I actually had to start planning things to do so I only saw a small group of friends and no taco trucks were catering the event. It actually scared me how much she wanted to do and wouldn’t listen to how uncomfortable that would make me feel. Planning something smaller was my compromise to having no plans though.
I’m grateful that she wants to do that but I’d rather it be a surprise that I didn’t have to stress over rather than this impending idea that I had to avoid.
Some people just can’t see others point of view I guess! Sounds like you managed to engineer a good compromise over the years though, so hopefully everybody’s happy now.
Taking the reins is definitely the best way in those situations. For my 30th we went camping with a group of 10 or so close friends, it was brilliant fun, cost next to nothing, and made a nice difference from just getting rat-arsed at a pub, club, or party!
I hate receiving gifts as they are almost always space consuming things I didn’t need and inevitably mean the sender expects something in return. Instead, I’ve started proposing to friends and family that we do things together instead. This way we actually get to enjoy each-other’s company for the day and spend way less then the 2 gifts would have been.
Thanks for the comment Guy!
This method seems to be the consensus of the crowd so far! It is a very good compromise as I can see both mind-sets (gift buyers and non gift buyers) being happy with the arrangement.
I’m a bit late to the party on this, but was reading back through your archives. Great blog TFS. Gifts. ERGuy summed it up, I hate receiving gifts too. As I’ve gone down the road of FI certain key points are apparent. Spend less than you earn. STOP buying stuff. Only buy stuff you need. I also follow “The Minimalists” and have seriously decluttered and still am. To be happy not buying stuff you need to fully understand how pointless most of it is, how it starts to own you and hinders your FI plans. So the concept of people buying (wasting their money) me more stuff I don’t need, is the complete opposite of my belief system. I hate it. For close friends that “get it” we’ve replaced Christmas/Birthday gifts with charity donations (Crisis at Christmas etc) I LOVE that. It’s the best gift ever. The inlaws and Christmas is a problem though. They are extremely materialistic, go overboard on presents, and last year I put my bag of gifts in the boot of the car when we left and dropped everything directly off at the Charity Shop. It sounds ungrateful but what’s the point of me having this clutter-stuff. Someone else deserves to benefit instead. I’d really like to introduce the Charity Donations idea to them, but I’m 99% sure they’d hate it and ironically they are Church going Christians. Go figure.
Starla, thanks for the long and thoughtful comment! (and the kind words).
I can see myself being where you are in a few years time. This Christmas will be a big turning point I think though, as I am going to let people know I don’t want anything. There will no doubt be some negotiations so I will have to stay true to my feelings. Also, I am not going to refuse buying other people gifts, so I am actually going to lose out on the transaction, though like you say maybe some charities will benefit so all good. Cheers again and all the best.