thoughts after one year of parenting – part i
Seeing as Baby TFS (pictured above, in case you hadn’t already guessed) turned one year old the other week I thought it would be time to finally publish some of the incoherent ramblings I’ve written down over the year on my thoughts of fatherhood, but haven’t quite managed to get squeeze them into a coherent post thus far…
“Hashtag where the f**k does all your time go once you’ve had a baby!?!”
I’m hoping this will be entertaining for those who already have kids or are dead set against it (for completely different reasons of course!) and informational for those that are thinking about it.
I’ll try to do it in some sort of chronological order from before the birth date to current time so it hopefully makes some sort of sense. Here we go then!
Kids and FI – There is a common theme (or meme?) that tends to run through the FI world that having kids will totally f**k up any plans for FI. That may be the case when they grow up but so far it hasn’t materialised for us. In fact our spending crept up by a whole £1000 in 2016 compared to 2015, and realistically that was not because we popped out a sprog. Looking at the charts in the post just linked to it is likely that we spent less in 2016 than we did in 2014 so again it just goes to show you that as with most things in life, you can generally choose what you spend.
Buying stuff pre-birth – I would hold fire on as much as you possibly can get away with as you will likely receive many gifts shortly before 1 and after, as well as hand me downs from friends and family who may have recently had babies. Many of these gifts are lovely and useful! What you will need is the basics: Nappies, cotton wool, and a few other consumables, a few baby grows and vests, and a car seat to bring your progeny home from the hospital in. That’s it!
Buying stuff post-birth – As a testament to the fact that the western world is indeed an exploding volcano of waste, there are so many “nearly new” baby sales around nowadays, along with facebook selling groups, that you really don’t need to buy anything new nowadays. Babies tend to grow out of clothes and toys so quickly that the whole “urgh it’s been worn/used by someone else” factor is extremely low here. We obviously did buy quite a few things new – bottles, high chair, cot, pram/travel system, stair-gate, and some clothes spring to mind – but I wouldn’t rule out getting all those things from a nearly new sale if you want to go uber frugal. And all of the little things that you find yourself “needing” as things progress can and should be picked up very cheaply second hand. This confirms pretty much everything Mrs Money Mustache said in her article about what do newborn babies really need
Gift advice – If you know some parents to be and are wondering what to get them I would seriously just ask. I don’t think it’s rude at all and there is nothing worse than getting the 10th set of cute baby grows that you will barely remember to put them in as you have so many. So if you are not sure, just ask! Most of the best gifts we received unsurprisingly came from other recent parents and in fact one of the best was just some home cooked food delivered to our door, much needed when time and sleep is short! So just remember you don’t have to buy something to make it a gift. I would try to avoid flowers or chocolate “for mum” because the last thing you want to be doing is faffing around with a vase etc and some flowers are a bit strong for a little baby as well. And with the chocolates you can be sure that about twenty other people have already thought of that one before you (there is too much of a good thing!). If you are really stuck why not just offer to help out around the house for an hour or so, I know that would go down very well with most new parents with frazzled brains 🙂
Baby entertainment – Apparently there are places where you voluntarily pay to have your little one entertained for an hour or so, but there are so many free or nearly free things around why on Earth would anyone do that? Leave that to the Ivy School pre-schoolers I reckon! Seriously some of the figures I’ve heard of floating about from friends are just silly, like £100 per term for a 1 hour a week session. Yes I know you want only the best for your little genius but I have to be frank and tell you that at this stage of their life they don’t really know what the fuck is going on at best and are at worst of lower intelligence than your average Pug:
Yes I’m afraid to tell you but this guy likely has more common sense and better bowel control than your special little bundle of joy
Baby TFS getting some good honest free entertainment
Spending priorities change, they don’t necessarily go up – Your priorities and therefore budget will also massively change. You are not going to be going out for any fancy dining or getting smashed for at least 6 months after the baby is born and then after that it’s once a month if you’re lucky and have very obliging parents close to hand! So any slight increase in food and baby stuff you need should easily be offset by this fact. I hypothesised that this was the case before she was born and now the results are starting to come in to match the assumption! I won’t make a full conclusion on it just yet as I know we’re only early days. Expenses will no doubt start to edge back to normal in time, but I know deep down already that it will never be normal again in that and many other senses, and this is a good thing! 🙂
I’m saying this presuming that you actually wanted a child to, you know, spend as much quality time with them as possible and see them grow up, not as an living doll to dress up in cute designer clothing or status symbol to boast about in the office, only to dumped on the hired help the minute the next cocktail party invite drops into your inbox. If you are reading this last sentence thinking what is wrong with any of that then maybe you stumbled across the wrong blog by accident! 🙂
random fatherly thoughts
- I for one was fairly skeptical on all the reports from other Dad’s that I know, but I can actually confirm that it is indeed the best feeling in the world when they are finally here and you hold them in your arms.
- As you can see, it turns out that I am a big softie (I knew that all along anyway, hah!) 🙂
- I’m far more chilled out than I thought I would be. Crying and screaming was a big worry, but to be honest it’s no way near as bad when it’s your own kid. Also I thought I would be worried about lot’s of things such as dropping her or silly things like that. Obviously I am extra careful when carrying her compared to, say, a bag of onions, 2 so it is something on my mind to a certain degree, but it’s not keeping me awake at night.
- In general I am taking things as they come and really enjoying that mindset so far. I think it is important not to stress too much over every little detail or thing that crops up. The subject is entirely different but the thinking is very much along the lines of MMM’s classic Tiny Details Exaggeration Syndrome.
The bottom line is… if you were a spendy person or couple pre-baby, you will most likely be one after. Get your spending in check before you decide to procreate and you will find that kids and FI are not mutually exclusive concepts.
stay tuned for part ii – This post is already over 1000 words, and with another nearly 2000 in the bank (yep, seriously!) I don’t want to make it too much of a slog for you. So stay tuned for part ii later in the week!
I would just like to end this with saying I’ve talked a lot about getting support, gifts and hand me downs from our social network. I guess this highlights the benefits of having a strong social network and family ties, or winning friends and influencing people 3 as some might say. But I am also aware that many first time parents through no fault of their own may not have this! This was just my own personal view of how we fared through the first year or so of parenthood, and I know not as many people will have it anywhere this easy – something that keeps me stoically grounded when she’s crying at 3am.
We count our blessing every day for the friends and family, and lovey little daughter we have.
Did I miss anything? Mums and Dads either current or budding, share with me your thoughts!?
Notes:
- Baby showers, wtf are those about? ↩
- Bit of a harsh comparison there… sorry baby T! 🙂 ↩
- short version: don’t be a dick 🙂 ↩
Discussion (18) ¬
Congratulations on surviving the first year. That is the hardest one behind you, it gets much easier when they can tell you what they want.
My own experience with the relative changes in spending were the going out/socialising/holiday spend dropped way off, while the take-away and coping juice bills increased quite a bit.
A follow up thought on gifts, the best gift anyone can give parents of a young kid is some babysitting. Free time and date nights become an incredibly valuable scarce commodity… even if you’re home by 9pm because the little ones don’t understand hangovers and the lack of unbroken sleep catches up with us all.
Good luck with year 2!
Coping juice… haha I like that one. My alcohol consumption is still trending downwards although admittedly it was from quite a high level in the first place 🙂
Going out is definitely less but we are planning many holidays this year so that may actually be going up from last year, but she is a bit older now. I think this will also increase in future as she gets older.
Great thought on the gifts! While it’s probably one for a bit further down the road rather than when they are newborns, you could make up some fun little baby sitting vouchers to be used any time within the first year or something like that.
Haha 9pm home… that’s happened to us a few times on our first few date nights! 🙂
Cheers!
I found fatherhood made me financially better off. For the first time in my life I really had to watch the pennies and budget. I would have never have bothered to learn about the stock market and benefit from compound gains. Well done to my first born for showing himself at the bottom of the bear market in 2009!
Hi Simon,
I can see that would be the case for many people actually, sometimes it takes a big shock in life (and I mean that in the positive sense in this case obviously) to shake them up and start paying attention to finances.
I’d like to think we got most of our house in order before baby T came along but whatever way round you do it, as long as you do it, then it’s all good!
Cheers and great timing from Simon Jr there 😉
Great writeup.
The first year, there was also for us a lot of gifts and second hand (nearly new) we bought.
Our kids are now a little older. These are budget impacts i see
Travel: air travel is double as expensive. They need their own seat
Food: they sometimes eat as much as an adult at age 6 already
Shoes:. O idea how they do it, after 4 to6 mo the they are often completely worn down. Somehow that makes me happy as it means they played a lot.
Clothing: we still get items from older nieces and can hand down from girl 1 to girl 2. Due to the same play out, pants die soon.
All the best with the years to come!
Thanks for the heads up on the upcoming cost increases… I guess those were the ones I expected really.
I think air travel could be an expense we can try to keep down, you can get to France for about £60 return and from there Europe is your oyster, and is plenty big enough to keep us occupied for say the next 10 years or so.
Once the FI pot is bigger and the kid(s?) a bit older to appreciate more far flung places might be when we loosen the purse strings a bit more on that one, although never say never of course, we might go to Ecuador for all I know next year, you just never know how things pan out.
Thanks! 🙂
Congratulations on the fun and some entertaining reading – can’t wait to compare some of my friends kids to a Pug 😉 (They may be a bit offended as their kids are a little older).
I am afraid I am also going to have to report you to the Onion Growers Society for the Protection of Onions if you are not going to look after your onions properly……
Cheers,
FiL
P.S. Naked fat woman (for your SEO)
Haha! Love this comment FIL!
You can never get enough of the naked fat women for SEO purposes 😉
I’ve got about 8 years of accounts covering expenses pre kids, very young kids and now (6 and 3). Unfortunately, I would have to concur with ambertree. To start off with expenses went down, due to a demolished social life – but then they start to creep up as the kids get older, food, clothes, holidays. I’m pretty careful with things but theres no doubt they’re not free!
That’s cool you have expenses tracked for so long. It will be interesting to look back after 8 years of my own.
That was the feeling that I got that the real hit comes later on, but I’m hoping that the snowball is well and truly rolling by that point and things will be rosy even if expenses do rise slightly… hah well I can always dream 🙂
Hi FS,
Great article. I have 2 girls aged 15 and 13 and have always thought that I could have FIRE’d much more quickly without children. Unfortunately my experience would tend to back that up. The youngest child is a keen gymnast so trains 15 hours per week and that comes in at £100 per month plus all the extras that go with it – kit, competition fees and travel. I suppose I could have told her to just go and play on the climbing frame but I’m not sure she’d have reached her full potential. Plus, there is the upside that she may want to become a coach or fitness trainer one day and it will start to pay back. The older child has not had any particularly expensive hobbies and indeed has her own paper round and a very sensible attitude to money. However a recent school ski trip set me back £1000. Again I was not obliged to send her but she did actually have a great time and picked up a skill that would have been impossible otherwise. Neither of them spend too much on clothes or entertainment so we have no issues there. Food is not too much of an issue as we almost never eat out but holidays are of course much more expensive as once they are over 12 they are considered as an adult when booking a hotel room (and can anyone explain how e let that creep in – grrr). Water bills and electric are also on the high side as children are not that careful when it comes to using our precious resources no mater what Mr Money Moustache may say. There is also the great big fat giant elephant in the room called University which looms in a few years time. That will dent any FIRE fund by around £40000 I guess unless anyone can suggest a way around that one – not going doesn’t count!
Hi IPM,
Thanks for chipping in with your experience! Definitely a lot of points to consider going forward. There is no way I would suggest anyone scrimp on their children’s hobbies and passions just to get to FI quicker, that isn’t what it’s all about for me at all (just like I wouldn’t cut out stuff I really wanted to do). The holidays thing is a big one, I really do like travelling and would want any kids to experience the world as well as I think it broadens the mind more than any other thing.
The one thing I’m not sure on is Uni though, OK so you are much further down the line and Uni is still a big thing but I reckon that in 18 years time by the time baby TFS is anywhere near Uni it just won’t be such a big thing to get a job anymore. In fact I think the world will be a totally different place entirely with respect to working, education, and money. These are just my views but there is a long time for me to see things play out and adjust them and my plans accordingly but as things stand I am certainly not worried about or planning on paying for the sprog and any future siblings to go to Uni as I’m not even sure they’ll exist in their current forms when the time actually comes around.
It will be a fun 2 decades finding out whether I am right, that’s for sure 🙂
Cheers!
Hi TFS, That’s certainly an interesting view. You could well be correct. It’ll be interesting to see how attitudes to work, money and education change in the future.
I have to apologise for lumbering you with my own worries about “seeing my kids through college”. I suppose itś not so much that I’ll be paying there fees – as I will just pay their accomodation etc and let the student loans do the rest – but the fact that if they are away at University then I will still feel responsible and obliged to carry on in secure employment. That’s just my situation and I’m aware it’ll not be the same for everyone.
Travel won’t be a big issue with a single child but it does make it more difficult to get away whenever you like. But then sharing those travel experiences with your child will more than make up for that. One thing’s for sure, time will absolutely fly by for you now and it’ll have the effect of making the date you do eventually FIRE seem to come all the more quickly! I wish you and your family every happiness and loads of fun in the years to come.
Hi IPM,
“I have to apologise” – No not at all! The whole point of blogs/comments is that everyone can give their viewpoint and then we all learn from the collective experience. If everyone had the same point of view then we’re not learning anything so thank you for putting your view point across, it’s great.
It could well end up that I am totally wrong and will have to do a 90 degree swerve in my financial plans to accommodate TFS Jr to go to Uni just like you are doing. I would expect her to at least try to pay her way towards it (as I did when I went although with a healthy donation each year from my parents let it be said!) but realise that to pay fully may be next to impossible by the time it comes around. Who knows what fees etc will be by that time!
Haha, that seems true about FI date cropping up quicker than you’d imagine. Life is definitely more fun since she’s been around.
Thanks for the kind words and the same back to you good sir. All the best!
That first year has gone quickly – congrats! As regards uni, it’s planned for my nieces and nephews to attend uni (hence ‘college funds’ have been set up from birth to go towards this) but like you say, working might be very different in the next couple of decades so uni may not be the goal at all for the youngsters to help towards their careers.
Hi weenie,
To be honest I’m rather banking on Robots taking all of the good jobs by then and UBI (Universal Basic Income) becoming a real thing. This will free up TFS Jr (and the rest of us) to pursue things we find meaningful and still do a bit of exchange based commerce on the side.
If none of the materializes, then if she is anything like me, and genetics says she probably will be, I will encourage more of an entrepreneurial approach to work as I think that would have suited me better if I had the bollocks and financial backing to try that from the off. Of course there will be start up costs for this too so it’s not like I’m saying there will be no money put aside for her, and so if I’m wrong about that then some of that money can go towards Uni (or whatever we have by then) instead.