3 months in – thoughts, doubts, panic, perspective
After 3 months of funemployment, I thought I better write about the touchy feely side of this and give some of my thoughts and emotions that I’ve been going through. Seeing as this is perhaps the most important part of life and happiness it obviously needs to be addressed at some point!
This is not your traditional FIRE of course 1 so my thoughts here could be completely irrelevant if you are going down that traditional route.
However I believe that there are many people out there attempting to do this in a similar way to myself . In fact many of the FIRE crowd who went the traditional route do seem to recommend quitting before you have 25x savings and just working for yourself anyway.
Also the Corona situation has clearly not helped. If you quit in 2 years time it could be a lot easier to deal with, but I would imagine that many of these feelings
Anyway, here is a summary of my thoughts!
doubts, panic
I am constantly doubting myself and having pangs of panic:
- Have I made the right decision here!?!??
- I seem to be working more than when I had a job! Sometimes I code from 8pm-12pm then get up at 7am and code for another 3 hours.
- Why didn’t I stay on at work to keep the pay check and carry on working on my side hustles, that was working well for me?
- I would have been working from home all this time anyway so wouldn’t have been in much of a different position anyway! (Obviously this disregards the fact that I am not an all-knowing omnipotent being, but try telling the irrational monkey brain that when it gets going!)
- I’ve “only” made roughly 3k/month since lock down started…. it’s not enough to fund our lifestyle!!!
- You are essentially still gambling! What if you lose more and this goes down!? What if bookies withhold payments?! What if something changes and all of the money making techniques stop working!? You haven’t got any solid reliable income!?!?!? *Head explodes*
- We are eating into the nest egg, I still want to be saving… What will this do to my end of year savings rate results!? Paaaanic!
- Am I happier doing what I am doing now compared to before? Can someone please tell me!?
perspective
I try to then be rational and look at these things with some better perspective:
- I’ve had 3 months to work when I want, where I want. When I was in the office I would often code in the evenings on side projects anyway so that’s not that much difference. During the day times I am probably only averaging 2-3 hours a day of “work” and the rest is spent on family time and DIY projects, which I would not have had time for otherwise.
- I am actually enjoying writing code for myself and massively improving the projects I started before I quit, and starting new ideas. I am whizzing through all of these ideas at super fast speed which I would have struggled to find time to do if I still had a real job, or at the least it would have taken me 5 times longer to get through it all.
- Working from home during lock down would have been mega stressful. What would we have done on the days when Mrs T was working, we could not have sent TFS Jr to Nanny or Grandma’s house so it would have been juggling work and a 4 year old! Instead it was (relatively – all the other lock down downsides notwithstanding) a bit of a breeze.
- Just listen to yourself you whiny git!!! Only 3k/month!?!?!? What?? I think if you offered yourself this amount 3 months ago when Corona first hit, you would have bitten your own hand off, pal. Also if you take out April in which there was pretty much zero activity at all, I’m averaging over 4k/month which is definitely enough to fund our lifestyle without drawing down any capital. Hopefully you can build this up from here but even if not that’s still a decent wage for sitting in front of a laptop and opening a few bookmaker accounts here and there. And you still plan on selling some of this software so there is potential for much more income down that route as well!
- Matched betting and related techniques have been around years and will continue to do so for at least another 1-2 years (I’ve been saying this for the last 5 years though and it’s still going strong). Things change but there are always new techniques to learn and ways to earn a dollar here and there. Plus as mentioned above you are also starting a software business which should start pulling in regular income as well. You only used to earn £2300ish/month after tax and commuting costs so it won’t take many software sales to replace this more solid part of your income! Yes you may lose some money in the next day, week or month but you’ve been doing this stuff for enough years to know that a bad patch is almost inevitably followed by a good patch and you end up even better off than before the bad patch hit.
- The nest egg has gone down slightly but that is only because of the expensive house improvements you have decided to do this year. These are all finished now, so even 3k/month should barely put a dent into
- Happiness is just such a weird thing it’s really hard to pin down how happy you are. I think I feel happier in general now, but obviously there are still the ups and downs of daily life. This is inescapable and will always be there no matter what you do. In any given moment I may feel pissed off, but to attribute that to the fact I’ve quit my job is plainly more than a bit silly. The grass always seems greener and of course there is no way to run an AB test on your life where you could see what happened if you made the other decision. I think all things considered there is no way I would have been happier by not quitting my job on a day to day basis (experiencing self) and also looking back in say 1 or 2 years time even if things go pear shaped I think I would be proud of my decision rather than always thinking “What If” if I had stayed in my job (or indeed just tried to switch to a different but very similar office job).
As usual this is a rushed out, brain dump of a post, so apologies if it’s incoherent, but at least it’s a short one this time 🙂
Any questions as usual please shout and if anyone else is going through similar times please get in touch, I feel like we all need as much support as can get through these mentally tough times 🙂
Cheers for reading as always
Notes:
- It’s not really FIRE at all actually ↩
Discussion (31) ¬
I have been out of regular work since around May 2019. In March this year I was starting to think maybe I shouldn’t be wasting my time and decided the right thing was to go back to work. So I applied for and (at age 55) was surprised to be offered a very well paid job working from home.
….I lasted a week. I was incredibly stressed the whole week having the bungee cord attached to my computer again. Had completely forgotten what ‘always on’ looked and felt like. So I quit.
….and it was the most liberated I have ever felt. Now I had my free time back, to do a little bit of work (if I want), to exercise (if I want) or just simply tool around (if I want). I really incredible early retirement lesson.
That is heartening to hear!
Both for the fact that it shows that jobs are still “easy” to find (may have changed somewhat since Corona but still…), and working from home no less, for people who want to dive back in for any reason.
And the fact that it tested your decision to quit in the first place, and indeed it was the correct one 😉
The only difference between us is of course you pretty much don’t need any income to survive (by the sounds of it) and I do, but at least I am the master of my own destiny now to a much greater degree than being bossed around by 10 layers of corporate management.
Cheers for the excellent and encouraging comment 🙂
p.s. checked out your blog, love the pics of Six Flags, what a theme park that is!!!!
Heh, yep, it does make things a little easier for folks like Earlyretirefree or ourselves.
But, you’re certainly on the way! Don’t look forward at what those already in the throes of early retirement are doing without also looking back and remembering the challenging times you had before.
Sounds like you’re doing great and achieving way more independence. Congrats, again!
Chris@TTL recently posted…Negotiating Pay Effectively With Financial Independence
You’re right (about not needing the income) but essentially that does not change the emotions. When I started really planning my route to retire about 10 years ago, it was precisely because of the feeling of being ‘trapped’ (or of course it could just be inherent laziness). But we have short memories and I think I needed that little dose of ‘commitment’ to really realise how much I value my freedom.
I don’t even think it work per see, it’s actually not being able to do things in my own time (I now have a side gig that requires 50-60 hours per month BUT I can work as I choose). I remember when I had my exit interview at work and the person saying to me “it’s a shame we can’t find a way for it [the job] to work for people with your experience” and I genuinely believe they could if there was a will to do it. Maybe COVID will change attitudes but I suspect once a vaccine is found ‘presenteism’ will again be the order of the day.
Six flags is amazing – if you like that sort of thing – which I do! The biggest and scariest rollercoasters and, as an early retiree, you can go when its not crowded so no queueing. My blog is unfortunately seriously out of date but a big update is gradually rising up the to do list!
Hi there. Nice post and a helpful comment (for me!) from earlyretirefree.
You may or may not wish to hear that self doubt and angst are a feature of my semi-retirement, even though my situation differs from you in that I’m a) not needing to earn money b) still actually employed, although very part time in a low paid socially useful role and c) much older than you (heading to mid 50s, so not even all that early retired).
Like earlyretirefree I wonder if I should be doing more, am I too young to give up on all career related aspirations, should I get another job, another career even….it does feel quite self indulgent and a little bit unfocused to be arsing around doing whatever I feel like. Maybe that’s just the Calvinist in me and it needs curing! In reality, I don’t really fancy working all hours on just one thing and being chained to my computer again.
I guess it’s just the human condition to question whether we are making best use of our time. Pandemic hasn’t really helped either, as it’s harder to make new links and some of my most enjoyable activities are still suspended for the foreseeable future, which is pretty frustrating, although trivial in the global scheme of things.
I’m sure you will go through plenty of further phases, some of which might even involve working for the man, in the years and decades ahead. But it sounds like right now you have a good thing going.
Hi Red Kite
Thanks for a thoughtful comment.
Realise I am replying a year later but a lot of what you have said still resonates. I am almost certain I will end up with a “normal” job again at some point. Maybe when both kids are in school (will be in about 4 years time). Maybe by then remote working will be so ubiquitous the work/life balance thing will be much better for most people with office/computer type jobs.
Anyway, just wanted to say thanks and sorry for the mega delayed reply!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings TFS.
It must be great to have the skills (both technical and entrepreneural) to go it alone in the way you have. We’ve been hearing about the many projects you’ve been working on and it sounds like you are making great progress on them.
As a gambler, I’m backing you to be a success with your ventures!
Yes, the death knell has been sounded for MB for years now and yet it’s still going strong, just not quite as easy as it used to be but still worth doing.
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Cheers weenie and sorry for the stupidly long reply time.
All the best, as always 🙂
“Am I happier doing what I am doing now compared to before? Can someone please tell me!?”
Haha, love that one. It’s just craving some sort of validation, even where the only person that can provide it, is you.
That’s a bit of a mind game!
So far as the software business: give it time! A few months is nothing in the land of freelancing. Like you suggested, it’s going to be feast to famine. There will be good months, great months, and a couple of goose eggs. It’s much more variable.
Remember, you have that nest egg so you can feel more secure to take these sorts of risks.
And the best part versus your old job? Think of all the crap you AREN’T doing. All those lame parts of the job you get to just skip, now.
Glad to see another update this month 🙂 More frequency! 😉
Chris@TTL recently posted…What We Did on Staycation During a Pandemic
More frequency… big fail on that one… haha.
I’ve just posted another update if you are still around these parts 🙂
You are so right in thinking about all the stuff I don’t have to do now, I think after a year I am in a much better place mentally with all of that stuff. Anytime I think about whether I did the right thing… I just think of zoom meetings, real life meetings, slack alerts, *URGENT* emails, out of hours phone calls… the list goes on. All of that is a long forgotten memory but I must remember it to realise how good I now have it 🙂
Cheers again
Nice post TFS and reminded me a lot of what I thought when I “retired”. I think I quoted Del Amitri in one of my blogposts, “Finding what you want is like trying to divide ice from snow”, because that refrain ofter ran through my head when I faced filling the days. When will your brain stop plotting, measuring, comparing, criticising, philosophising, forecasting and raking through the embers of past decisions? When will it be content? I wish I knew. 🙂
Great comment! So true.
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Hi Jim,
I guess the main advantage I’ve had over your retirement is 2 young children to run around after. The thoughts I listed above although very real, are admittedly very fleeting as I just don’t really get time to think too much about it all. Likewise filling my days has never been the problem 🙂
Cheers and hope you are keeping well
Thanks for sharing some of the doubts you’re experiencing, TFS. I can imagine it’s not easy forgoing the guaranteed income every month, even if it wasn’t particularly enjoyable!
I know firsthand that, once you’ve quit a job, it’s easy to look back at it with rose-coloured glasses and forget all the things you hated about it in the first place. You just have to remind yourself every so often of why you left, and persevere!
Good luck. I have my fingers crossed for your success!
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So true Dr FIRE!
Thanks for the kind and sage words of advice
All the best
That’s a great post Andy. Completely get the different emotions from the good to the bad. It’s interesting to look at both. Well done on the average, despite this not being enough for you, it’s not a bad start at all especially given everything that’s happened. I was wondering, what does your partner think of it all?
Chris – TheFIJourney
The answer to that question is probably one of the most important in FIRE — matching pace and plans with your partner!
Let’s hope we can all strive to be on the same page.
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That’s an interesting question Chris.
We aren’t really the sort of couple who sit down and have long meaningful chats that often, so I really should just ask her. I’ll do the research and answer in a following post 🙂 or maybe even get her to guest write a post!?
My gut feeling though is that she appreciates me being around to help with the kids and we get on well 99% of the time (which is no different to when I was working) and seems pretty healthy, show me any long term relationship without arguments and I’ll show you two liars! 🙂
On the “work” side of things she’s happy as long as bills are paid and there’s a bit of extra money to spend on stuff we like doing etc…
Cheers
Finally got round to catching up on blog posts.
Glad you have posted this. It is good to see how others are getting along during this pandemic. You are doing a lot better than I am. If you are getting 3k/month that thats fantastic!
I am in the twilight world between jobs. I don’t have enough to retire and I don’t seem to have the skills or the luck at the moment to get another job.
My plan was to quit my job in Dec 2019 – TICK.
Do some work on my house – TICK.
Have a 2 month break – TICK.
Look for another job from March/April – BOOM!!
I started looking for work just as the lockdown began. No jobs, the market just dried up. I am living off my ‘break fund’ ( I had planned to have time off so I had a cash buffer set up for this purpose).
Now I was expecting it to cover me for about 6 months and I would be back work and saving again. It is now 9 months in and I am still out of work. I am planning on the passive income from this year to support me next year – but with the dividends drying up its not going to support me without breaking into capital sadly. So I do need a job to keep my big plan on track.
I have had a few interviews but no joy, no one wants to take on a 50-something female, they want a 30-something male.
So I am trying to rattle agents for any doors into companies as not everything is publicly advertised and try to eek out some income from working on a virtual platform. To ease the pressure on my ‘break fund’.
Since the lockdown and pandemic hit others have had the same thought and the platform has had an influx of over 300k users and the amount of work on the site has dried up. Any that does appear pays very poor rates and goes so quick you have to be on the site constantly watching to pick anything up. (This was a nomad option in the past but it has now had its day and MB may go the same way in years to come – so make the most of it while it lasts).
I am going through the same panic thoughts and beating myself up. Why didn’t I just hang on for a bit longer, I would have been furloughed and been paid to stay at home. But hey, I don’t have that crystal ball!
I also have the good thoughts – I am at home, under no pressure to go to an non-COVID safe office. I can do what I want, my day is my own; like the scrub sewing and cycle every day. I can do free courses and read and generally learn new things and have a break from the office grind that burnt me out.
The grass is always greener on the other side, I see more of my ex work colleagues being laid off with no financial buffers and I can at least be glad I have a financial cushion – even if it is a not as plump as I would like.
Keep posting, as you say it will be interesting to look back on this in a few years time and see how we all feel then.
Hi Sparkle Bee
I’m ever so sorry I didn’t post a reply to this a year ago when you probably needed a bit of moral support! (Although I do think I popped over to your blog and drop a comment there at some point at least)
Anyway I hope your situation has improved since then and you managed to relax into the time you did have off. I know exactly what you mean though. It’s not quite the same “having your time as your own” when you have this low level stress under the skin about getting a job, lockdown, or whatever. There was just something that didn’t feel the right. I think the whole Corona situation affected us all mentally more than many would care to admit.
All the best, as always.
First, congratulations on being able to enjoy this new phase for three months. Maybe some doubts are inevitable: it seems that for anyone willing to be thoughtful about their situation, there are going to be times where you question whether you made the right decision, or whether the thing you’ve worked for is ultimately what you thought it would be.
I think even getting close to covering your expenses with work you’re happy to do is a win. Good on you, friend. All the best.
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Many thanks DbF and apologies for the delayed reply.
I know you’ve pulled the plug on your job recently but I have not had time to read through all of your recent posts so I will make sure I do that ASAP, and I hope everything went smoothly for you.
Cheers
WOW I have missed ALOT! I’ve also been taking a break from the blogging thing! Your feelings are totally normal I’d say. Only a crazy person would be fine not self reflecting!
You have always had a sound financial plan and now is no different!
Hi LMF. Thanks for the kind words as usual.
I hope you are doing well 🙂
When I left full time work, I had so many doubts. It ended with nightmares about my old life in the cubicles. I decided to start a contracting business, but would only take gigs that maxed at 20 hours per week. Unfortunately these are hard to find. Eventually I made the leap to full time SAHD.
I don’t know how we would have made it through the pandemic with two working full time.
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Hi TPM,
I know exactly what you mean about two working FT. We struggled even with both parents only doing PT!!
My heart really does go out to others (parents or otherwise) in less fortunate situations.
Cheers
If you’re anything like me, just the process of writing helps a lot with anxiety! It’s nice to get thoughts and feelings down on paper – I find it’s easier to deal with them then 🙂
Agreed, it’s one of the main benefits of running a personal blog! 🙂
When you’re self-employed there’s always the risk you’ll overwork – especially when you’re working online and there’s nothing else to prohibit you. I’ve had to learn to take a break and to accept that it’s ok to stop even if there’s still work to be done.
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Agreed in general, but I don’t think I’m programmed like most people, luckily(!?)
I tend to smash out work for a bit then either get bored or see there’s enough money coming in and naturally ease of the pedal a bit, until the pendulum swings the other way and I feel like I really should do a bit more…. and so on…
Works for me but appreciate not everyone could pull that off (or would want to for that matter).